Content: Discussion of trans and nonbinary gender issues, coming out, and gender dysphoria. Mentions of internalized ableism and fat-phobia. Talking about masturbation and sex as a way to illustrate how much coming out as nonbinary/genderqueer has changed my life for the better.
The year 2020 was a lot. There was an uprising of critical racial justice and anti-racism work. It demanded white people, myself included, recognize our complicity in the ways BIPOC are oppressed.
The Trump administration attacked LGBTQIA+ rights at every turn. Transphobia and hate seemed to come from all directions. The trans and nonbinary community saw a record number of hate crimes up to and including murder, in 2020. Even the sex blogging community wasn’t immune to transphobic and nonbinary phobic rhetoric.
There’s a pandemic that’s killed millions of people worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of those deaths are from the U.S. because white supremacy, American exceptionalism, and capitalism are a deadly combination.
So, I’ve been out for a year. Looking back at a personal journey feels odd, being that we are living in historically turbulent times. We’re fifteen days into 2021, and in the United States, the President ginned up his followers and encouraged them to commit an armed insurrection. In a turn that surprised precisely no one, a couple of thousand of them stormed the capitol last Wednesday with some intent on murdering people and overthrowing the government.
First, a little bit of my genderqueer history.
It was a challenge, finding the space, to be honest with myself about my gender identity. I’ve experienced my gender as shifting along a spectrum since I was a child. There were times when my dysphoria was profound. Silence played a dangerous and ultimately damaging role in my life. Recognizing those periods for what they were was transformational.
Breaking my silence about my gender identity changed my experience with my body. Coming out as genderqueer and nonbinary grounded me in ways I haven’t felt at any other point in my life. Telling my spouse, mother, and chosen family and friends created a peaceful space within that I didn’t know existed.
Well, let’s start with the most personal because that’s what I do here. Masturbation is a revelation. No. Not because I’ve fetishized my body. It’s because I’m engaging with my body in a completely authentic way.
There’s no emotional blockade going up when I feel connected to my cock. I don’t censor or judge the times when my breasts and cunt feel too cumbersome or foreign, and hands-free is the only way I can get to an orgasm. Or even the times when I’m 100% into the lushness of my vulva.
Every level of sensation is unfettered and released from all the judgments I’d socked away throughout my life. And that’s not just when it comes to sex.
I find myself embracing my whole body with a more profound kindness.
Sure, I still struggle with bouts of dysphoria, but they’re significantly less. I hadn’t realized how poorly the word woman fit until I allowed myself the freedom to acknowledge my own discomfort.
And I still want to see different things in the mirror. I’ve had moments over the past year where I’ve been brutal with myself. There’s a lifetime of gender dysphoria, fat-phobia, and ableism to work through. Coming out has allowed me to confront those other forms of internalized pain from a place of strength.
Standing in my own power is a gift.
If someone slips, and it happens and calls me a woman, I’ve empowered myself to assert:
“I’m not a woman;
I’m nonbinary and genderqueer.”
Thanks for joining me on this journey. As always, be well, be wonderful, and above all, be you.