Content: Spanking, Self-Harm, Chronic Pain, Solo Kink, Self-Empowerment.
I love spankings. The smacking sound of a hand glancing off my bare skin makes my gut curl and twist with want. There’s freedom in the heat rising from a well-worked ass. And don’t even get me started on the floaty satisfaction I get when I feel an intentional thwack on the tender flesh of my vulva.
Physical pain and I have a strange relationship. I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (aka SLE or Lupus). Chronic pain in my joints is a daily experience. It used to be less frequent. I could go weeks without having to acknowledge the discomfort in my body. But now pain hangs out like that one roommate who never left the house, and wouldn’t buzz off, even when you begged for privacy.
Add to that, a history of self-harm, and riding the wave of endorphins that follow a spanking is a little suspect. First, my honey is 100% vanilla, spanking, for him, is a hard limit. We tried it once, years ago, and he did not like it. At all. Any spankings I receive come from me. As someone who used to work as a therapist, I can’t ignore the question:
Is this another form of self-harm?
Constant self-reflection has led me to the answer. No, it’s not a way to punish my body. My history of punching, cutting, and piercing my skin was about the destructive impulse to feel anything other than anxiety and deep emotional hurt.
I never play with spanking, or any other strong sensation play, when I’m anxious or hurting emotionally. Blurring the line between coping mechanisms and pleasurable pain is a non-starter.
It took me a decade to untangle that knot.
No. Spanking, for me, is about pleasure. First, I never engage with spanking, or any other impact or sensation play, when I’m hurting emotionally. That’s a sure way to guarantee an emotional drop. And long discussions about the status of my mental health.
I play with a spanking when I want the deep satisfaction of asserting power over the sensations I experience. It’s a profound way to claim big-D Dominance over my physicality.
The pain isn’t a way to cover or distract from what’s happening within my skin’s confines. I do Yoga for the same reason. But orgasms don’t usually follow Surya Namaskar, at least not in my practice. And they don’t have to follow spanking, either, if that’s not your thing.
It is mine, though.
Claiming my body is empowering. Balancing my inner Dominant and submissive is a complicated dance. But it’s worth the trouble when it works.
Be well, be wonderful, and, above all, be you.