Hello, My Beauties,
This week on #fetchat we’re going to be dishing about Daddy or Mommy/little girl or little boy (DD/lg or lb, MM/lg or lb, Caregiver/little) relationships in the BDSM and kink community.
Content Warning: This post references sexual abuse & sexual trauma.
Our guest this week is Bex Hex, an incredible YouTuber (she/her) who tackles kink, BDSM, and mental health on her channel. ( @BonMinou on Twitter). Bex identifies as a Sub/Kitten/Little. You can also find Bex on Patreon, as well.
#Fetchat is a weekly Twitter Chat I co-host with Nikki (she/her) from loveisafetish.com (@loveisafetish on Twitter). Join us to explore the kink/fetish landscape with us and learn about folks making a difference in the BDSM community. #Fetchat is held every Wednesday at 5 pm, EST. Come and share your thoughts by either searching “fetchat” on Twitter or hanging out on the @Fet_Chat feed.
To start, I’d like to acknowledge that a lot of folks have complicated feelings about age play.
I’m a rape and incest survivor. Recovery was grueling, made more so by judgments by mental health professionals about my sexual expression and BDSM. My therapist attributed my sexual desires, including my daddy kink, to my trauma.
Misconceptions about age play and daddy kink run rampant in the vanilla, mental health, and even the BDSM/kink community. A lot of folks think it’s a “programmed” arousal response resulting from early childhood sexual trauma. Or that folks on the Dom/me side of the equation are mitigating a pathological desire to have sex with children by engaging in age play.
“Now, here’s a dialectic that is going to blow your mind: You can be a rape/sexual assault/incest survivor AND have a perfectly healthy, non-abuse related, daddy kink.”Me, Daddy Issues: Navigating Healthy Kink Expression as a Sexual Abuse Survivor
Reducing someone’s sexual expression to a trauma reaction robs them of their agency.
People aren’t born as a tabula rasa just waiting for experience to mold their minds and bodies. We’re more than the sum of our experiences. And a person’s response to trauma is rarely so clear and direct because people are gloriously messy.
Speaking of messy things without absolutes, here are my thoughts about what makes for healthy BDSM/kink/fetish experiences:
- Everyone participating needs a clear-head;
- Everyone has given explicit consent for what’s going to happen in the scene;
- Play is SSC and/or RACK; and
- Aftercare is always part of the equation.
Now that we’ve got the misconceptions out of the way, how about some definitions?
Age play is a BDSM power exchange practice in which at least one of the participants assumes the behavior of an age different from their own. It can be sexual or not and range in subject from nurturing and caring to darker themes (humiliation play or incest role-play) or CNC (consensual non-consent) play.
Please, let me be clear that the play here is between CONSENTING ADULTS. Play is negotiated and agreed upon as it should be in any ethical SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) or RACK (risk accepted consensual kink) scene.
Daddies, mommies, and littles are roles within the BDSM community. Those roles may or may not involve sex and may or may not be included in traditional age play scenes.
Daddies and mommies are Dom/me roles centered on protection, nurturing, and boundary setting. A little is a submissive role in which the person assumes an age younger than their own, requiring care, unconditional love, and clear boundaries. There are instances when it’s not even about sex.
Again, these are roles assumed by CONSENTING ADULTS in negotiated scenes. Daddy or mommy rules often include non-sexual, health-related boundaries such as refraining from self-harm, practicing healthy eating habits, and getting adequate rest.
Daddies or mommies don’t have to be in a relationship with a little to assume the role.
There’s a rich history of daddies (and mommies) in different corners of the BDSM/kink/fetish and queer communities. It’s not all snuggles and stuffies, even if the image that comes to most folks’ minds are cis-men in suits and cis-women in onesies.
Daddy and mommy roles are not predicated on a person’s gender assigned at birth or presenting gender.
Hold on. Before you send a strongly worded email, give me a chance to explain.
A Daddy or Mommy is a style of domming, which has zero to do with gender. The traits and flavor of their domination rely on cultural archetypes that have long been considered gender-specific. For example, Daddies are men, and Mommies are women.
It’s all very Ward and June Cleaver. But that cultural model of gender continues to create fertile ground for sexism, racism, homophobia, and transphobia to flourish.
Isn’t it beyond fucked up to insist on continuing to codify sexual play that way?
Limiting the role of Daddy or Mommy to a particular gender ignores the needs of queer and trans folks in the BDSM community. Cis-het folks shouldn’t be the only ones allowed the full range of their sexual expression.
Daddy isn’t about having a dick, it’s a state of mind.
Whether you agree or disagree, join me, @loveisafetish, and our guest @BonMinou for a spirited debate on #fetchat on 8/14/2019 at 5 pm EST.
Be well, be wonderful, and above all, be you.
Header Image created by Nikki of loveisafetish.com
Bex Hex YouTube Banner retrieved from Bex Hex YouTube Channel.
Unattributed photos by Anne Stagg